I recently read an article, on a major internet news outlet,
written by a clinical psychologist, on the most overlooked threats to a
marriage.
My purpose for sharing these vulnerabilities is to point out
how the traditions and practices that comprise Jewish observance, have built
in, the antidote for all these problems. Our Holy Torah tells us, “taste and
see that G-d is good.”
Don’t marry someone for who they are, but because of who
they are determined to become. Spend a lifetime joining each other in becoming.
One of the beautiful explanations why a groom and bride get
married under a Chupah- canopy is because, by being enveloped by a spiritual
higher purpose and common goal in their marriage, it is possible, to
successfully keep two very opposite genders of male and female, together.
Don’t expect marriage to take away loneliness, marriage will
not change this human condition. Marriage is intended to be a place where two
humans, share and deepen the experience of loneliness.
The most important rules in marriage are the rules of family
purity. This practice, is the golden hidden secret to the significantly lower
numbers of divorce within the circles of families who observe these laws
(properly).
Basically, every month, for a period of 12 days, physical
intimacy is forbidden between the married couple. There are many benefits to
this practice. Psychologically, emotionally, and physical well being.
Everyone needs time for themselves, individually. It is
impossible and ultimately will wear out any person, who is constantly available
for others. Time for oneself without the stress and anxiety placed by a
partner, while still very much within the confines of a fall back, is the
healthiest and most secure safe place, covering all bases.
Having time to be alone is the best occasion for both
partners to pull back slightly, a chance for each to gain perspective of each
other, and the relationship. A time to renew the novelty and interest, again,
in each other.
Ego is a wall that separates. Mysticism teaches the most
powerful tool for being receptive, is submission. Putting one’s own self aside,
for the sake of the other in the relationship. It is no wonder the great
codifier of Jewish law, Maimonides, teaches, “A husband must respect his wife
even more than himself.” “A wife should see her husband like a king”. Both of
them, committed to each other, and, to the relationship.
Marriage is more a matter of grace than of power,
forgiveness than of vengeance, and vulnerability than of strength. Instead of
pointing fingers we must start intertwining them. Blameless, a couple walks
through life together.
The hope in marriage, is as is expressed in the blessings
when getting married, that it becomes “an everlasting edifice”. It doesn’t
matter who made the hole in the boat, if both are committed to keeping the boat
from sinking.
Hidden power struggles, whether it’s a matter of who is more
important, the children or the marriage, and/or the tough negotiations around
the level of interconnectedness between husband and wife is settled by the
ingenuity of Jewish law and the wedding contract entered between the two
parties.
By law, there is a duty to fulfill marital intimacy. If he
is respecting her, more than himself, and she is respecting his place and role
in the home, and, they each have their own space within this relationship, the
balance between the obligations to each other and the space for everything else
is already there, by design. The only thing left, is a genuine interest and
commitment to the program that has worked for thousands of years.
And one last, most important point.
“I am G-d your G-d. You shall have no other G-ds before me.”
The first two commandments of the big ten. In a marriage, there is only room
for a total interest and focus on the one person we are married to. If our
thoughts and attention are distracted from this focus, we have undermined the
very foundation of everything that follows.
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